in december 2010, i was in college & living at home. at the time, my childhood dog had either recently passed away or was very sick. it was the middle of winter & a stray kitten appeared in our backyard. being the animal lover i am, i kept feeding her until i eventually convinced my family that it was a good idea to bring her inside.
an img of my cat, chessie
despite the fact that she would bite my feet & hands, i still wanted to be her cat momma. that spiciness continued the entire duration of her life. she was truly the queen of her own castle. over the years, i became so in sync with her that i could easily detect her behaviors (example: when she was fed up with your shit & no longer wanted pets).

there were periods of time where she lived with my granny & papa (they absolutely adored her) and lived with me. papa passed in 2022 & granny was put in a nursing home shortly before, so she had been living with my husband & i for quite awhile.

in march, i found her almost unresponse in my living room. i rushed her to the vet & they administered iv fluids. he was convinced it was kidney failure. i was convinced it was neurologic due to her behaviors.

she ended up receiving a few rounds of iv fluids over the course of several days. at the last appointment, i was told i needed to start thinking about the decision no one wants to make. i decided i was going to give her a chance to improve under my care before making any decisions. over the next several weeks, she continued to improve. she began showing interest in food again. she was getting excited over mcdonald's chicken nuggets again. she became insanely loveable - more than she had ever been.

a few nights ago, i noticed something was off. i made a little basket for her with a blanket & took her in our room. when i woke up at 10 am, i took her out of the basket & held her against my chest, where she ultimately passed. i was devastated. hell, i'm still devastated.

she was part of my life for 16 years. she was part of my identity. i never would have thought that a stray cat i found when i was 20 years old would still be in my life at 35. i am still watching where i step in the house thinking she is walking in front of me. when i ordered mcdonald's a couple nights ago, i found myself wondering where she was because she absolutely knew what the mcdonald's bag looked like & sounded like. i walked into the kitchen only to be greeted with the fucking box of special cat food i ordered just for her & almost lost it. so many little things, things you don't necessarily think about, remind me of her.

i could type so much more, but it's still very raw.

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